Home sweet home

sooo... brushing the city dust off me, i stand with a silent joy as i find myself back at home. a place where my ancestors come from, a place of rugged beauty. now all the romanticizing about being what one of my friends refers to being a 'born again indian', is officially going to be put to the test. im home, with my two children, and my sons father back on Haida Gwaii. getting a lot of 'who are you', and 'are you really registered on this band list' questions, and looks. but its still good to be back at home. even if ill always be viewed as an outsider. today we are going to the language nest, to go sit at chief matthews with the elders, and learn xaad kil. then go bring my aunty some jarred goods, and find out what i need to do/acquire to begin weaving. my fathers a weaver, and most of my relatives are carvers. i have a raven mask that im working on. will try to finish it off whenever i can find a carving buddy. i talked to my partner today, and said that we should make goals for being home. like trying less participation in colonization, and practice more of our culture, language, and build on the strengths that we have here in our community. we are living in the richest place in the world, in terms of living off the land. we have a buffet in the ocean outside our front door, and there is an abundance all around us. once we get more settled here, and connected within the community, we will most likely in the spring start scoping out some land to build on.

Happy Mothers Day

Nuuyuu dim int duway- Keep Paddling Forward

As long as the wind blows, as long as the grass grows, as long as the salmon swim, the bears live....
as long as the eagles soar in the storms, as long as the ravens dance on this land and in our hearts....
as long as the great forrests of our lands remain free from the greed of mankinds clearcutting destruction...
as long as the songs flow to the beating of our hearts healing our souls from the wrongs against our dear mother earth who we have forgotten to respect, and live with in harmony....

As long as the wind blows, as long as the grasss grows, as long as the salmon swim the bears live...
this land and what is left of it belongs to our children, their children, and their children.

Do we have rights to allow the coorporations and the federal government to keep on their path of destroying this land our ancestors where assimilated or murdered for? With the reservation systems DIA got us real good being dependant slaves to a system of colonization. As we struggle with addictions to extra large double doubles, withdrawling from the crawling on hastings street to sell our souls for a moment of freedom from a life of disappointments and heartache. We fish farm our way of life, clear cut our souls, put up wider highways to allow more export of our resources we dont have a right to access because corporations of Kanada call the police. We fight the oil spills, but I feel the spill is in my heart and soul, stained for all generations to carry a wounded knee memory, or small pox blanket in our car trunk. Free Leonard Peltier, a unsung hero who is punished for trying to stand for his land, and his people, against injustice. We cant even free our minds from this system they call Kanada, as we become cheap one night stands for a hockey game. All we want is glory, but there is no glory here.

As long as the eagles soar in the storms, as long as the ravens dance on this land and in our hearts....
We are reminded of who we are, where we come from, that our societies were run by matriarchs, not band offices, and elections, and scraps of generousity from the corporation of Kanada. We are forgetting that we never had to depend on Safeway, or welfare cheques to survive. We are reminded that our food sovereignty is at a crisis point, our wild salmon is been destroyed on purpose by governenments for assimilation and colonization. We are reminded that our lands are being polluted and over populated, as we seem to have forgotten our responsibilites to our first mother, mother earth.

As long as the great forrests of our lands remain free from the greed of mankinds clearcutting destruction...
we will have our ceremonies with fire, water, earth, and air to honour all four directions of our lands.
We will sing our songs, do our dances, carve our dancing masks, rattles,create our treasure boxes from the sacred tree of life, a single tree that has the power to create life, give us oxygen, give us our medicines, and cedar to weave, ourwood to carve, wood for the sweatlodge fire, and protection for all life on earth.

As long as the songs flow to the beating of our hearts healing our souls from the wrongs against our dear mother earth who we have forgotten to respect, and live with in harmony....
we will KEEP PADDLING FORWARD IN OUR CANOE even when they keep saying a good indian is only a dead indian, so forgive me for being a bad indian... cuz i will not sell my soul for Kanada, I will not allow my daughter to grow up with no values to this earth, I will not stop talking about our responsibilities to our next couple thousand generations on mother earth who we continue to destroy. Its a resource war, a war for our souls, a war for our land they squat on and call Kanada. Its a war for survival, and our only chance is the repatriation of our pre-assimilated values, beliefs, and laws of the land. Because we are now only clearcutting our souls , and mining our hearts till there is nothing left to stand for. Id rather stand for something than die on my knees for nothing.

Nuuyuu dim int duway

As long as the wind blows, as long as the grass grows, as long as the salmon swim, the bears live....
as long as the eagles soar in the storms, as long as the ravens dance on this land and in our hearts....
as long as the great forrests of our lands remain free from the greed of mankinds clearcutting destruction...
as long as the songs flow to the beating of our hearts healing our souls from the wrongs against our dear mother earth who we have forgotten to respect, and live with in harmony....

As long as the wind blows, as long as the grasss grows, as long as the salmon swim the bears live...
this land and what is left of it belongs to our children, their children, and their children.

Do we have rights to allow the coorporations and the federal government to keep on their path of destroying this land our ancestors where assimilated or murdered for? With the reservation systems DIA got us real good being dependant slaves to a system of colonization. As we struggle with addictions to extra large double doubles, withdrawling from the crawling on hastings street to sell our souls for a moment of freedom from a life of disappointments and heartache. We fish farm our way of life, clear cut our souls, put up wider highways to allow more export of our resources we dont have a right to access because corporations of Kanada call the police. We fight the oil spills, but I feel the spill is in my heart and soul, stained for all generations to carry a wounded knee memory, or small pox blanket in our car trunk. Free Leonard Peltier, a unsung hero who is punished for trying to stand for his land, and his people, against injustice. We cant even free our minds from this system they call Kanada, as we become cheap one night stands for a hockey game. All we want is glory, but there is no glory here.

As long as the eagles soar in the storms, as long as the ravens dance on this land and in our hearts....
We are reminded of who we are, where we come from, that our societies were run by matriarchs, not band offices, and elections, and scraps of generousity from the corporation of Kanada. We are forgetting that we never had to depend on Safeway, or welfare cheques to survive. We are reminded that our food sovereignty is at a crisis, our wild salmon is been destroyed on purpose by governenments for assimilation and colonization. We are reminded that our lands are being polluted and over populated, as we seem to have forgotten our responsibilites to our first mother, mother earth.

As long as the great forrests of our lands remain free from the greed of mankinds clearcutting destruction...
we will have our ceremonies with fire, water, earth, and air to honour all four directions of our lands.
We will sing our songs, do our dances, carve our dancing masks, rattles,create our treasure boxes from the sacred tree of life, a single tree that has the power to create life, give us oxygen, give us our medicines, and cedar to weave, wood to carve, wood for the sweatlodge fire, and protection for all life on earth.

As long as the songs flow to the beating of our hearts healing our souls from the wrongs against our dear mother earth who we have forgotten to respect, and live with in harmony....
we will KEEP PADDLING FORWARD IN OUR CANOE even when they keep saying a good indian is only a dead indian, so forgive me for being a bad indian... cuz i will not sell my soul for Kanada, I will not allow my daughter to grow up with no values to this earth, I will not stop talking about our responsibilities to our next couple thousand generations on mother earth who we continue to destroy. Its a resource war, a war for our souls,

Letters to CHN, Members of Parliment, let us work together

Dear Great Leaders,

As a supporter of Haida Gwaii Yakguudang - Respect for Living Things and someone who takes great pride in the natural beauty, diversity, history and culture of Haida Gwaii, I am deeply concerned about the lack of protection for this area near Rose Spit, Haida Gwaii.I look forward to the day when the Haida will truly find a green energy source that meets their needs and protect the environment from abuse at the same time.

I strongly urge you to reconsider the Naikun Wind Turbine Farm business relationship and see that the values the Haida have are not compromised.
I have been in contact with Vince Collison our Council of Haida Nation Representer for the Energy Committee, and Matt Burns from Naikun Wind farms via email, and try to stay as informed as possible. Im doing my own research, and having contact with many Haidas, on and off Haida Gwaii who are not in support of this devestating project.As well as the general public I have had communication with, most agree this project will devestate Haida Gwaii, and the beauty and abundance of all living things in our Territory. Since when did sustainability mean money. I have always been a proud Haida, for so many reasons. And Im very thankful for all the hard work our people do to keep Haida Gwaii beautiful, many great victories in history we have accomplished despite the challenges from Colonization and the Genocide we have faced in the last one hundred years. If this project is truly sustainable, and will benefit our future generations we must have at least one more meeting, or a week long conference here in Vancouver for our people. Many Haida's dont even know about this project, and i see the divide this Corporation has created in our Nation, which is furthering the divide and conquer tactic so many have suffered. I look at Haida Gwaii, our delicate Ecosystem, our resources, and my daughter with all the same love. The earth and water,and all life in this world are not ours to destroy. We have the way to create a sustainable future for our children, and their children, for this land is not ours to destroy for greed. I hope my words have been taken in a kind and gentle way, for this is my truth. I am making arrangements for on air Interviews as soon as possible with residents of Haida Gwaii, and others who have knowledge to share about the propaganda of this project.Matt Burns has done an interview with us before on Radio, and I always appreciate the way he is able to communicate with respect and knowledge, Howaa Matt. I would like to see something good happen for our Nation, and more importantly for Haida Gwaii.
This letter has been circulated through CHN (Council of Haida Nation) already, and im waiting for a reply. I am sharing my concerns with you Nathan Cullen, because I have read what you stand for. You talk of integrity, let us empower the future of sustainability for our children's children, and pass a Moratorium in BC Waters for Wind Farms. Ireland has a moratorium because they care about the unknown impacts such a project could impose on their land and their people. All that we do today impacts our next seven generations, let us start healing some of that intergenerational trauma Canada has created through the colonization of our lands people, and embrace a sustainable future that is not based on greed, but based on true Yakguudang- Respect for all living things. If we can say no to Enbridge, we can say no to Naikun.

I will keep doing a follow up letter at least once a week to Nathan, and Libby as Members of Parliement, and will look forward to keeping in touch. May you all have a great day!

Thank you for considering my comments.

Yakguudang Kilsly,

Patrika McEvoy, aka Big Fire Woman

No to Naikun Wind Farms

My deepest fear is that it is too late, that the greed of our colonizers has consumbed my people.

I look around, and see our children living in poverty, parents struggling to heal from intergenerational trauma, and we are all fighting with eachother.

Meanwhile we have lost all of our resources to corporations for a quick dime to get high.

We are addicted to this world, and the anger lingers on my lips like words with no where to go.

I always knew one day i would have to tell my daughter about Kanada, about greed, about the small pox, about Colonization, about Lateral Violence, about addictions, and the list grows longer.

My brother says his aunty has been fighting our Council for years, and i see our band offices signing deals behind closed doors, and sometimes our lone warriors get burnt out.

I pray my daughter never has to suffer the agonizing heart ache my generation is facing with Enbridge, Naikun Wind Farms, Treaties being signed selling our souls.

I pray my daughters generation will be heard when they say no.

I pray for these things, as the Tsunamis hit, the nuclear explosions, we continue digging ourselves deeper into destruction.

Dii Koyas Tawlang---> Yakguudang!

My precious relations, Respect all life.

Role Model's- YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ :)

I look around at a lot of our youth, and powerful people who do amazing things. I will not mention any names, im just going to talk in a general sense. We have rap artists, singers, amazing "First Nations" brothers and sisters. well educated MEN and WOMEN who leave home to be able to one day return to their roots, and help their home communities grow, learn, and heal from the Colonization we have suffered from Contact with Europeans. I myself have taken that same journey. My first trip into the institutionalized world of Academia, I started my first year of my BA for Psychology. My favorite classes were philosophy and anthropology. I didnt do so well in Psychchology though. I had a philosophy class that i was well engaged through, and did freelance writing for our local student based magazine at CNC. I remember being a part of a role model program where students from college buddied up with students from high school, and it was great. My philosophy teacher asked me, WHATS THE WHOLE ISSUE THAT FACES YOUR NATIONS? I was speachless. I knew a little of residential school, and our land loss, but... what did it all MEAN? After my first year, i quit. And went home to be with my people. I couch surfed, sold *geekum* to support myself, had no education to get me a good paying job, i drank a lot, i was no longer a fighter, but still had the rep. I learned more from my hometown about the world than I could ever have learned in school...

Best education is in the eyes of my brother and sisters, in our average neighbor you walk by on the street. This is the essence of "kanada".

This is the Intergenerational Trauma, the Depression, the RAGE. We are the survivors, and some of us dont want to fight anymore. We are tired, for we have learned to fight eachother. Parents fighting eachother, family fighting eachother, and we are fighting not only within our own homes, our own communities, and our own nations, or even in our own "kind". So this makes it so much more easier to complete the colonization process. This lateral violence. We have been taught so well by our opressors, that this is all we know. The outcast missionarries from other countries came here mistaken, abusing our grandparents, physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. No wonder. We are a nation, individual by individual healing from all this bullshit.

All the bloodshed, all the lies, and this is what i think of when i see the "kanadian" flag, or hear the very word. My blood boils.

But this aint a history lesson... i tend to get off track. My apologies. But maybe this is a good quick look at what influences a lot of my brothers and sisters.

I see many of our brothers and sisters taking a good stand. And i love it. We have many great leaders coming forward. And many self-proclaimed 'ROLE MODELS'. All that comes to mind with this is a memory i have of our Alcohol and Drug Counsellor sitting with us in the bar drinking, but preaching to us at work the next day about our addiction.

I think i get bothered by my relations not WALKING their talk. If we are going to go anywhere, walk in a good honest way. We have eyes and ears everywhere. I think of myself, and I know im not a good role model. I did all the worst things in my life, except for hard drugs, and major crimes. Even today, i admit im not perfect, and i have much work to do on myself.

I see MODELS, SINGERS, CULTURAL LEADERS, AND HEALERS,and ROLE MODELS,and even our ARTISTS, and maybe its my fault for i put them up on a pedestool for having their self proclaimed titles, but i automatically begin to think these are good people i can learn from. And sometimes, i mostly learn that is NOT how i want to be. So what i do, i  do so carefully. What i say, may hurt a lot of people. And ill admit its not my place to say it. So i wont, thats why you read this note.

last year, i offended a few people by doing a 'perfomance', which i normally dont encourage or agree with. our songs are not puppet shows, they are all ceremonial sacred prayers, that have a meaning, a history, and belong to certain people. but i choose to do the 'performance' because it was for the youth. and i felt so inspired to share with them a positive message.

a message of healing, of responsibility, a message of the need for sobriety. If i hold my drum and share my 'culture', its an HONOUR for me to do so. I am ethically responsible to my ancestors, for they sacraficed a lot for me to be here. I didnt want our youth to believe it is ok to DRINK, DRUG, PARTY, AND HOLD A DRUM. I kinda got disowned for this by some people. Yes, I will not sing with people who have the wisdom and knowledge of our way of life, but ignorantly carry no respect for our songs and and sacred dances.

sometimes being Indigenous is a double edged knife, and we are to be very careful with HOW we carry ourselves in the world.

this is  a very sensitive topic, and im uncomfortable expressing myself in this manner. but this is my truth. not everyone has to agree with it.

It raises A GOOD NUMBER OF QUESTIONS. What does it mean to be slurred lingo "aboriginal", indigenous, 'native', 'first nations'.

Is it our blood, our skin colour. Our knowledge, our wisdom? Our ability to speak our mother language? holding a drum? designing 'art'? Singing a song? Hunting? Fishing? Are we native if we have a status card? If we have traditional territory, which is now overrun and destroyed by CIVILIZATION.  What is it that makes us who we are? Are we strong warriors for being a good fighter? For selling drugs? For drinking anyone under the table?

There is a lot i have no idea of. I go to ceremonies, and sit beside lots of non-native, european, or canadians who get names for cutting wood, or being our friends.

Pre-contact, we recieved many different names in our lives. Once after our toddlerhood, once at our coming of age, once when getting married, or passing a major milestone in life. We got names from other nations too if we were close to them, and did good things inter-nation-ally. Now, I know more non-native's that carry our names than do our own people. We parade them around, they recieve their name, and carry little responsibility to our clans, or our nations. * this is not true for all non-natives who recieve names in our language*

But this name giving hurts those who do not yet have names. Those who long for, dream of, and patiently wait for names.

So names dont always identify our roots, our indigenous identity.

I do have to mention, I do have many personal role models. My daughter being my biggest hero, and teacher. Some sisters and brothers too, that walk the red road, and carry themselves with integrity, and dignity, and are very self respecting. But we are overflooded with consistent needs for healing, growth, and learning.

Take me for example. I have no right to JUDGE others for their actions, or make assumptions. And believe me, I am doing the best i can with what i have to not point fingers at anyone but myself. perhaps i get too influenced by the world, and get disappointed by indivuals we should continue looking up to if we can all learn to walk together in honesty, sobriety, and not compromise any of our values or worth.

Awa Gwaii- Mother Earth

our mother earth is in need of healing, and we are responsible for healing ourselves so we can help her heal. our responsibilities are for our creator, not for money, not for greed, not for destroying. our future depends on our children, and their children. is this the legacy that we are leaving for them. polluting the blood of mother earth, and having to BUY clean water? being locked into a world of credit, and debt? having to buy land that can not be owned, for we are the ones owned by the land. we have forgotten our place in the circle of life, and try creating a new reality with our toys, our technology, and we will destroy ourselves, creating our own extinction. i would rather mankind be extinct if it meant that mother earth has an opportunity to heal. specism, creator never gave mankind the gift of life to be god-like, taking life and destroying with no conscious ability. we have left our gifts, and surrendered the fight, and accepted the fact we are conquered.

this is how we can buy spiritual freedom from tim hortons in a large double double.