I look around at a lot of our youth, and powerful people who do amazing things. I will not mention any names, im just going to talk in a general sense. We have rap artists, singers, amazing "First Nations" brothers and sisters. well educated MEN and WOMEN who leave home to be able to one day return to their roots, and help their home communities grow, learn, and heal from the Colonization we have suffered from Contact with Europeans. I myself have taken that same journey. My first trip into the institutionalized world of Academia, I started my first year of my BA for Psychology. My favorite classes were philosophy and anthropology. I didnt do so well in Psychchology though. I had a philosophy class that i was well engaged through, and did freelance writing for our local student based magazine at CNC. I remember being a part of a role model program where students from college buddied up with students from high school, and it was great. My philosophy teacher asked me, WHATS THE WHOLE ISSUE THAT FACES YOUR NATIONS? I was speachless. I knew a little of residential school, and our land loss, but... what did it all MEAN? After my first year, i quit. And went home to be with my people. I couch surfed, sold *geekum* to support myself, had no education to get me a good paying job, i drank a lot, i was no longer a fighter, but still had the rep. I learned more from my hometown about the world than I could ever have learned in school...
Best education is in the eyes of my brother and sisters, in our average neighbor you walk by on the street. This is the essence of "kanada".
This is the Intergenerational Trauma, the Depression, the RAGE. We are the survivors, and some of us dont want to fight anymore. We are tired, for we have learned to fight eachother. Parents fighting eachother, family fighting eachother, and we are fighting not only within our own homes, our own communities, and our own nations, or even in our own "kind". So this makes it so much more easier to complete the colonization process. This lateral violence. We have been taught so well by our opressors, that this is all we know. The outcast missionarries from other countries came here mistaken, abusing our grandparents, physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. No wonder. We are a nation, individual by individual healing from all this bullshit.
All the bloodshed, all the lies, and this is what i think of when i see the "kanadian" flag, or hear the very word. My blood boils.
But this aint a history lesson... i tend to get off track. My apologies. But maybe this is a good quick look at what influences a lot of my brothers and sisters.
I see many of our brothers and sisters taking a good stand. And i love it. We have many great leaders coming forward. And many self-proclaimed 'ROLE MODELS'. All that comes to mind with this is a memory i have of our Alcohol and Drug Counsellor sitting with us in the bar drinking, but preaching to us at work the next day about our addiction.
I think i get bothered by my relations not WALKING their talk. If we are going to go anywhere, walk in a good honest way. We have eyes and ears everywhere. I think of myself, and I know im not a good role model. I did all the worst things in my life, except for hard drugs, and major crimes. Even today, i admit im not perfect, and i have much work to do on myself.
I see MODELS, SINGERS, CULTURAL LEADERS, AND HEALERS,and ROLE MODELS,and even our ARTISTS, and maybe its my fault for i put them up on a pedestool for having their self proclaimed titles, but i automatically begin to think these are good people i can learn from. And sometimes, i mostly learn that is NOT how i want to be. So what i do, i do so carefully. What i say, may hurt a lot of people. And ill admit its not my place to say it. So i wont, thats why you read this note.
last year, i offended a few people by doing a 'perfomance', which i normally dont encourage or agree with. our songs are not puppet shows, they are all ceremonial sacred prayers, that have a meaning, a history, and belong to certain people. but i choose to do the 'performance' because it was for the youth. and i felt so inspired to share with them a positive message.
a message of healing, of responsibility, a message of the need for sobriety. If i hold my drum and share my 'culture', its an HONOUR for me to do so. I am ethically responsible to my ancestors, for they sacraficed a lot for me to be here. I didnt want our youth to believe it is ok to DRINK, DRUG, PARTY, AND HOLD A DRUM. I kinda got disowned for this by some people. Yes, I will not sing with people who have the wisdom and knowledge of our way of life, but ignorantly carry no respect for our songs and and sacred dances.
sometimes being Indigenous is a double edged knife, and we are to be very careful with HOW we carry ourselves in the world.
this is a very sensitive topic, and im uncomfortable expressing myself in this manner. but this is my truth. not everyone has to agree with it.
It raises A GOOD NUMBER OF QUESTIONS. What does it mean to be slurred lingo "aboriginal", indigenous, 'native', 'first nations'.
Is it our blood, our skin colour. Our knowledge, our wisdom? Our ability to speak our mother language? holding a drum? designing 'art'? Singing a song? Hunting? Fishing? Are we native if we have a status card? If we have traditional territory, which is now overrun and destroyed by CIVILIZATION. What is it that makes us who we are? Are we strong warriors for being a good fighter? For selling drugs? For drinking anyone under the table?
There is a lot i have no idea of. I go to ceremonies, and sit beside lots of non-native, european, or canadians who get names for cutting wood, or being our friends.
Pre-contact, we recieved many different names in our lives. Once after our toddlerhood, once at our coming of age, once when getting married, or passing a major milestone in life. We got names from other nations too if we were close to them, and did good things inter-nation-ally. Now, I know more non-native's that carry our names than do our own people. We parade them around, they recieve their name, and carry little responsibility to our clans, or our nations. * this is not true for all non-natives who recieve names in our language*
But this name giving hurts those who do not yet have names. Those who long for, dream of, and patiently wait for names.
So names dont always identify our roots, our indigenous identity.
I do have to mention, I do have many personal role models. My daughter being my biggest hero, and teacher. Some sisters and brothers too, that walk the red road, and carry themselves with integrity, and dignity, and are very self respecting. But we are overflooded with consistent needs for healing, growth, and learning.
Take me for example. I have no right to JUDGE others for their actions, or make assumptions. And believe me, I am doing the best i can with what i have to not point fingers at anyone but myself. perhaps i get too influenced by the world, and get disappointed by indivuals we should continue looking up to if we can all learn to walk together in honesty, sobriety, and not compromise any of our values or worth.
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